We All Fall Down and Fall Apart for Love
by fruitloopsarejustgaycheerios
Summary: Brittany isn't blind to the way Santana has been acting, she know's she isn't okay but she doesn't know how to fix her best friend.  Brittany P.O.V
1. The Carnival

The carnival lights fluttered under the moon and the smell of dead grass and fried food fills the air as I ran down the clear pathway towards the merry go round. I loved carnivals. They were a place of magic and wonder, a place that my Dad usually said my head would look like if they took my brain out. The simple attractions and impossible games made me feel a rush of happiness, most people didn't understand why I enjoyed it so much. Everyone tells me carnivals are lame that they are just a place with cheap rides and overpriced food but I could see beyond that, because at least here one could strut around completely lost in the music and lights, as if you could disappear into the intoxicating aura of the place.

We were ten and filled with an unrelenting amount of energy that caused my parents to give up chasing Santana and I and just let us go wherever we pleased as long as we stayed within the perimeter of the lot filled with game stands and sparkling lights. San and I rushed to the merry go round, it was our favorite ride, well it was Santana's favorite ride which meant it immediately became mine as well.

"I want to go on the unicorn!" I remember screaming with an elated smile spreading across my face as if my teeth needed to see for themselves how the unicorn jumped up and down when the merry go round spun. Santana wore a small smile on her face, even now I can still remember the contours of her lips as she stared off into the crowd waiting in line. She was happy.

I don't think she cared which animal she would sit on or whether or not we would even make it to the front of the line. I think she enjoyed the carnival for the same reasons I did, she just wanted to escape.

When we finally got on the merry go round and it spun we were engulfed with laughter and joy as the wind brushed through our hair leaving us without a care in the world. Santana took her hands off the safety of the pole and let her arms stretch out to balance herself, "Watch me." she said as I tried to mimic her but almost fell off. "Watch me." She said as she demonstrated for me again. Her word's probably shouldn't have meant so much to me but I over analyzed them and began to watch her. From that day I watched her, the way she handled things, the way she carried herself, the pain she had successfully buried deep inside.

When the clock struck eleven we were already on our way to my house, Santana asleep against my shoulder as my Dad drove glancing at the rear view mirror every now and again to check up on us. I could hear my Mom on the phone with Mr. Lopez agreeing that it was best for Santana to just sleep over. I sat there eyes wide awake staring at her as she slept quietly. I was exhausted but it was very rare finding Santana in moments of genuine ease and I wasn't going to sleep my way through it. She stirred every time we stopped at a red light and squeezed my hand every now and then as if to make sure I was still there.

My Dad carried her up the stairs to my room as I followed behind them not sure if I was jealous that I wasn't being carried up the stairs too or that my Dad got to hold Santana while she slept instead of me. She snuggled underneath the blankets as if it were some sort of safe haven clutching desperately at the hems and tucking it under her chin. I slowly got under the covers next to her trying to imitate her actions by holding the blanket under my nose as I became mesmerized by her every movement.

She tossed and turned a few times never letting her limbs out of the safety of the blankets as if it was some sort of forcefield that propelled danger. Her eyes began to open, at first they stared into the darkness only the light from my window giving off the glimmer of her brown eyes. And as if already knowing I was awake she spoke, "We're never gonna to go to another carnival again, okay Britt." Her voice was raspy as if she was in a daze and before I could even say anything her hand slid from under the security of the blanket to hold mine which rested on top of my stomach. I nodded even though I knew she couldn't see me through the darkness but somehow she instinctively knew I had conceded, my silence reassured her. She squeezed my hand lightly before curling up closer to me her face deep within the crook of my neck and after a few minutes she was asleep again.

She never said anything about that night, almost as if it never happened. I sometimes think it was part of my imagination but every time Santana touches my hand it brings me back to that night and I know it was real. I know that in that moment Santana was telling me something that I was just incapable of understanding at the time. She wanted to keep that memory the way I have learned to keep it, never forgetting that it was one of the only days she found bliss. She was afraid of losing that, or replacing it with another memory and so she canceled out the possibility of the very memory being dissolved by having neither one of us ever attempt to find comfort at another carnival again.


	2. The Lie

We are now seventeen and that day at the carnival was the only memory I have of that smile.

I've been trying desperately to see it resurface; my quirky comments would cause a laugh or rupture a grin but never that smile. That smile that told me she was happy.

I've begun to believe that Santana hasn't been genuinely happy since that day and it leaves a morbid air around me that seems to follow me wherever I go. No one can see it because they never stare long enough to really see the affect Santana has on me but they stare enough to know I'm incapable of changing her.

After school Santana and I went to collect our things from the locker rooms as the other cheerios discuss Pucks new affection for Lauren and how super hot Finn is, Santana and I stand close together ruffling through our duffle bags. I sit down on the bench staring down at my feet, they felt like lead dragging me down.

Santana is talking about how stupid Puck is and how this is all just a phase that he needs to get over but I wasn't really paying attention and she must have known because once I snapped back into reality she stood there with her arms folded and her signature glare, a glare that was never usually reserved for me.

"Britt what the hell? Are you even listening to me?" She said with a coldness I can still feel today but I don't think she was expecting an answer because she slammed her locker door and rolled her eyes grabbing her duffle bag and walked towards the door as if she knew I would follow, and I did. "San, I'm sorry I was just thinking that's all." I said almost as a peace offering. She didn't say anything she just looped her arm through mine and we walked down the empty hallway.

She felt heavy, as if she was being weighed down by something internally and people would think that maybe she was just hurt over the fact Puck chose Lauren instead of her but I don't think that was it. She walked with a feigned confidence in each step but I knew it was an act, somewhat of a defense mechanism that no one could see through but me.

When we got outside into the parking lot I stared at her as she gave me a confused look, "Britt where's your car? Please tell me you didn't let your cat drive it again, god, I swear if you get into another accident your parents are just gonna take your license away… or kill your cat." The last part was said in haste and under her breath, she never liked my cat but that was beside the point.

I looked up at at her as if I hadn't heard a word she said, after a small pause I asked her, "Are you happy San?" It didn't catch her by surprise, she didn't fumble her words or become uncomfortable almost as if she knew I would ask her this. "I'm happy Britt, I mean Puck isn't that hot and i'll be back on the cheerios one way or another, it's not a big deal." I nodded as I watched her silently walk to her own car.

I grabbed my keys from my front pocket. My head hurt and my heart felt even worse, she had lied to me.


	3. The Observation

No one understands what Santana and I have, and i don't think anyone ever could. We are best friends but more than that we had become the most important people in each others lives. Most people didn't know this but Santana found it very difficult making friends in elementary and i was her only companion. She had chosen me. We hardly spoke to the other kids always trapped within our own little world. As we got older naturally we branched out into different things but we were always close. She made me join cheerios, i didn't care much for cheering but i always did as Santana said. I figured that she knew what was best and i didn't raise my voice against it. We were popular, all the boys swooned over us, we ruled the school yet she still seemed unhappy.

No one seems to love Santana the way that i do, no one seems to adore her every move or become overtaken with an immense amount of joy when she speaks. They don't know her like i know her, and they most certainly don't see the things i see or at least the things i have concluded.

I think she's broken and i think she is spiraling into an unfathomable self destructive path. The hole in her chest grows deeper with each day. The anger she used to have contained within her has begun to fade. Now all that rests within her is a gaping hole with an infinite amount of devastation and sadness and i think that this time she will finally break.

She is more fragile than people believe she is and maybe if they paid attention they would have known the pieces of her soul had begun to crack. It's too much for one girl to take and even though no one knows the pressures and expectations she has to deal with they should have known she was beginning to fall apart.

I've been observing her although most of my time seems to be consumed with Artie it doesn't mean i stopped caring.

I'm in the hallway when Lauren throws her against the locker and my legs feel like pins as my heart sinks. I can't seem to get through the crowd and I feel overwhelmed with regret as I stand there watching just as everyone is watching.

It is then that I notice it begin, she wants to feel something, even if it's pain. Every time Lauren throws her into another locker she finds the strength to lift herself up and continue to fight even though she knows she can't win. Her determination is rattling and I feel like she will never give up despite her small frame she was capable of a beating. The fear in her eyes as she continued to crawl her way towards the girl after each blow, I didn't know how much more I could watch.

Feeling a jolting pain rush throughout your body was far better than feeling nothing, I believe that is what Santana had decided that day.

I wonder if Puck even realized how much Santana was trying. She said she wanted to change and he blew her off. A part of me was jealous that she was willing to change for him, she didn't love him but I knew she needed him the way I needed Artie. She was desperate for someone to be there for her to need her and it fills me with anger knowing she went to Puck and not me. Didn't she know that I needed her just as much as she needed me?

She refused to admit her feelings and I was okay with that, I was patient and willing to wait but sometimes waiting takes too long and I needed someone who would actually want to hold my hand or let me kiss them in the halls. Artie was a poor substitute but he was kind and I settled.

Santana seemed unaffected by mine and Artie's relationship as if she didn't even care but deep inside her barricaded heart I knew it pounded with jealousy.

I was swept off my feet that valentines day despite the fact that I could never truly love Artie the way I loved Santana he was very sweet and I couldn't help but fall for him a little. We joined the other glee kids at Breadstix for music and dinner, Santana sat alone. I was surprised she didn't just pick any guy at school and drag him along with her, I later decided that she was no longer in denial about her loneliness.

I told Artie id meet him outside so we could leave together but first I waited by the front door for Santana. She was the last to leave her shoulders hung low caving into her chest as if her tough exterior had successfully imploded. She glanced at me a certain sadness in her eyes that tugged on my heart strings. "Here San, Happy Valentines Day!" I said with a cheerful expression as I handed her a handmade card. She took it from my hands and stared at it for a moment as if she was surprised by the act of kindness. She probably forgot what kindness was that day after all that happened to her. She didn't say anything but just held the card in her hand tightly as if it was the only thing giving her life. I flashed another endearing smile before I went outside. I took a glance back at her before opening the door as she had begun to flip open the card. I had written to her, despite my inability to form coherent thoughts I think she liked it, I could see her eyes scanning every word as if each one would disappear forever.

I had only written one thing in the card, "I love you." I think that was all that needed to be said. I had also drawn a merry go round and did my best to illustrate the carnival we went to when we were ten hoping it would spark that memory and I think it did because I saw her smile, like really smile, the smile that I had been so desperate for all these years, but it was immediately followed by a crushing sorrow that began in her brows and soon overtook all her features.

She wiped away a stray tear that she wouldn't let dare hit the floor to leave as evidence that she had cried. She stuffed the card in her pocket and went around the table to pick up her purse. I left with the realization that Santana was breaking and that night another layer was destroyed leaving her vulnerable.

I didn't know how much more she could take, but I knew she would continue to fight even when she would become completely helpless and defeated she would continue to fight because that was what Santana did. All the demons that she had were smothering her and somehow she was surviving but I was disappointed mostly in myself because I hadn't been a good friend recently. I've been too preoccupied with Artie to pay enough attention to her and maybe if I had she would let me help her.

I knew now that it was impossible for Santana to ask for help, she would rather die alone fighting than give in to someone who could heal her wounds.


	4. The Exception

After Valentines day I began evaluating the deeper meaning in Santana's behavior. I started at the beginning.

Most people don't know why Santana seems to lack compassion towards others especially those who are below her on the social status but I think I know why.

Santana's mother died when she was eleven, she had cancer and death seemed inevitable. Maybe that was why she enjoyed the carnival so much, because at least for a moment she could escape playing nurse for her mother and actually be a kid.

I didn't know what cancer was at that age and naturally assumed that Santana's Mom's birthday landed in June or something. Santana never said it, she never admitted it to me, that her mother died but I could tell. Her eyes would be puffy and she wouldn't say much. I think she drained out all her compassion when her mother passed away almost as if she was unable to feel anything else other than grief and sorrow.

When her mom died I think a part of her died with her, a part of her I will probably never get back, but i'm not hopeless. Sometimes I see her laugh with an amount of ease I can't begin to describe and she seems like a kid again, or sometimes in Glee when she sings her voice conveys a sense of joy that i've missed so much and I think she's back but I realize those are just small moments and nothing is permanent.

Her father was a doctor and therefore hardly ever home. She liked staying at my house, at least three days out of the week she would sleep over and sometimes she would beg me not to leave her alone. No one would think that Santana could ever be so desperate for affection or maybe she was only desperate for my affection, at least i'd like to think.

She has always enjoyed being a bitch, sometimes I think it's because at least for a moment someone would notice her but later I realized she just wanted someone to care enough to tell her something. She used to say that the only reason she slept with guys was because it was expected of her being a cheerio and all but really she just needed someone to hold her and pretend they cared even if it was only for a moment.

I told her that I loved her when we were twelve and she brushed my words off as if they had meant nothing when they meant everything. I think she knew I meant it but she was scared and I was okay with waiting. I figured one day she would realize that I was always there waiting for her to be ready but that day hadn't come.

She loved me, I knew she did but her feelings were caged within her stone heart trying hard not to feel anything because feeling meant getting hurt, there were no exceptions.

I learned very quickly that Santana didn't like investing in people because they would always betray her in the end. I wondered if she thought I was capable of hurting her like that, she had to know I would never do anything to harm her but apparently she didn't seeing as she shielded her heart from mine.

Although her sweet lady kisses and constant pinky holding misled me many times i knew she was struggling. She was struggling to trust herself with me.

She should have known that I was the exception.


	5. The Truth

A couple days after Valentines Santana arrived at my house unexpectedly climbing through my window and finding comfort at the edge of my bed, grasping something very tightly in her hand, so much so that it was wrinkled and I noticed it was the valentines day card.

She seemed so far away when in reality she was only a few feet from me. She was hesitant and I could see the hidden sentiment in her eyes as she rose and walked towards me, "The merry go round, that was a great day Britt." Her words felt heavy as they left her lips as if she was slowly decaying within, "Always moving but never going anywhere… that's how we are, right?" She said with ripe words and a fake smile overtaking her features as her eyes drifted to the floor expecting me to answer.

I stood there unable to move, she was right though. We were always moving, always leading each other on but never putting the label on our relationship or whatever it was. I stared at her for a moment that smile that had no meaning was upsetting, why did she keep pretending and before I could even process my thoughts I blurted out the question, "Are you happy San?" Her eyes met mine the deceiving smile left her face, she knew it wasn't fooling anyone.

She walked closer to me and exhaled deeply, "…no."

The silence filled the air and I felt the weight lifted; at least she wasn't lying anymore.

But before I could even delve into the topic of us she made her way back out the window not even saying goodbye. I should be grateful that Santana had even come after all this was Santana opening up and even though she was running away again at least she had let me get past her walls and into the very core of her recent behavior, at least she trusted me enough to let me know she wasn't okay.


	6. The Apology

Over the last few days I tried to fix her but the more I tried the farther she pushed me away.

She sat in Glee club alone and refused to sit next to Artie and I, her possessive nature had dissipated into a loneliness that I can't bear to witness again. She used to need me by her side as if I was hers to own but now she discarded me as if I were nothing.

When Rachel sings an upbeat song encouraging everyone to get out of their seats and dance my arms always reach out desperate for hers and she never used to reject them until now.

Santana is heartless, that is what everyone tells me and I know that they just don't see her the way that I do. Where everyone sees a black hole beneath her chest sucking up all that is good and never returning the favor I see something else, I see a heart beating rapidly striving to be free from the strains. Underneath her tough exterior is a hidden beauty that very few see and I think that maybe it's good only I can see it because then everyone would adore Santana the way that I do.

The bell rings and I sigh in relief because school is finally over and maybe this time Santana will talk to me or at least acknowledge my presence. I find her in the hallway by her locker, a sad expression embedded on her delicate features and she seems lost not knowing where to go or what to do.

We used to have cheerios practice right about now and after we usually spent the rest of the day with the other girls gossiping and training more since coach Sylvester expected us to work all day everyday but now we didn't have cheerios practice to fill our time and I thought she would be relieved but she seemed more depressed about it.

I think she needed cheerios more than anyone. She didn't know what to do with her time, it's not like she had friends who actually cared about her or wanted to hang out with her besides me.

I know she was lonely, and I know that she went home to an empty house wallowing in her self pity. I didn't understand why she was ignoring me, didn't she know that I was still there? That even without cheerios I wanted to be there with her. I think she did know and that's why she pushed me farther away.

I stood in front of her hoping she would mirror my smile but she didn't, instead she just glanced at me as if I were a ghost, not really there. Her eyes conveyed a sense of loss as if she had given up trying. She slammed her locker door much harder than I had expected and it startled me a bit that I had to take a step back.

She now faced me her eyes meeting mine, "I'm sorry… didn't think that would be so loud." She said it with a sadness in her tone and I think she was apologizing for more than the slammed locker. I think she was saying sorry for everything, for ignoring me, for refusing my help, and more than anything I think she was sorry for the way she was.

She walked the other way, I could tell she didn't want me to follow so I didn't.

She was scared of this, of us, of what we had. She would never talk to me about, she would never confront me because confrontation meant admitting it was there, admitting she felt it too.

When I loved someone I told them, when Santana loved someone she repressed the feelings so deep beneath her soul until she convinced herself they didn't exist. She's never told me but I know that she feels it.

Just because the words are unable to leave her lips doesn't mean they aren't true. She shows me that she loves me sometimes and I feel the butterflies in my stomach gnawing at my heart. When she used to kiss me I knew that she didn't kiss anyone else the way she kissed me because it's different when you love someone, everything you do is different.


	7. The Heartbreak

I sat in my room trying to come up with a plan to fix Santana, to try and mend the broken pieces that were obviously stabbing at her insides but nothing came to my head. I sat on my bed for hours thinking and thinking which was difficult because I wasn't too great at thinking but my thoughts were interrupted by the sound of my window opening.

Santana climbed through her leather jacket scratching against my window pane as she stepped inside. My heart began to race.

I still sat there on my bed, I thought that maybe it was just a dream that I must have dozed off. I couldn't find the strength to get up and let my weight fall onto my bed as if to drain me of what I expected to be Santana telling me to stop trying to help her but that was far from what had happened.

Her eyes were puffy and I knew she had been crying even though the furrow of her brow and her walking tall stance tried to tell me otherwise. "San…" It was all that I could mutter. Funny I thought that I would have something much more meaningful to say but my thoughts tend to scatter when she's around.

She sat down beside me on my bed scanning my features like she wanted to memorize each curve on my face and then she laid her hand against my cheek as if she had forgotten what my skin felt like.

Chills ran through my body as her cold fingers softly brushed my cheeks, they were desperate for affection and just the heat that radiated from my face warmed her. Her eyes were piercing as they stared into mine but there was fear in them. She was scared but she was trying.

She leaned forward slowly until her eyes closed, her lips brushing against mine, I felt the weight lifted.

She was gentle and caring and it was just a simple light kiss but it felt like so much more. I lingered for more as she inhaled taking in the moment for what it was. She stared down at our hands that found themselves tangled with one another now as I could only stare into her brown eyes that had mesmerized me since we were ten.

We were silent, I wanted to say something, I wanted to tell her that I loved her and that I missed her so much but I think she already knew so I let us share the silence hoping it would give her time to recollect her own thoughts.

"I'm only happy when i'm with you…" Her words came out of the tranquility of the quiet and my racing heart began to pound even harder to the point where I was afraid it would leap out of my chest. She squeezed my had lightly the way she used to when she was scared of something and I could feel it, I could feel the darkness that would soon follow.

Her eyes were watering as she slowly loosened her grip around my hand and lifted herself from my bed almost by force. I was confused, I didn't know what she wanted or what this meant. She wore a frown on her face and I felt the pieces of my own heart begin to crack.

She was leaving, she had kissed me and then she was going to leave. Why did she do this to me, why did I let her.

She walked back towards the window letting herself out as my heart had successfully broken.

The next day at school I tried to talk to her, I just wanted an explanation but instead all I got were salt in my wounds. She showed up to Glee her hands intertwined with Sam's and I felt the heartbreak once more. If she was only happy when she was with me then why was she with him?

It was different though, she had never held hands with any of her other boyfriends in fact I think pinky holding was the closest she had ever gotten to holding hands. I stared at her as Rachel sang another ballad and I knew she could feel my eyes on her because she tried her best to avoid my glances.

Sam was a good guy, I knew he would treat her well and take care of her. It was hard to be angry at him after all he didn't know Santana the way I did but I still felt this raging jealousy every time he would whisper something in her ear or kiss her cheek.

He was cute and sweet and charming but there was only one thing wrong with him, he wasn't me.


	8. The Breaking

I don't know what to feel anymore. I don't know if she kissed me to feel something or because she felt it was owed to me. It doesn't matter anymore anyways, now she's with Sam and sometimes I see her smile and its enough to convince me to stop, to stop whatever it is that i'm doing.

I wanted to confront her to yell at her and tell her to stop playing these games but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Instead I just walked around school trying not to show the fragments of my own shattered heart. I just wanted her to be happy and if Sam could give her the popularity she once craved or the title of Queen bitch around the school that she used to flaunt then maybe that was enough for me to back down.

Loving Santana is difficult and i'm sure Sam will figure that out or maybe not.

They broke up after two weeks which surprised everyone but me. Santana had never kept a boyfriend for more than a week besides Puck but Puck and her were always different. I thought that from all the guys at school Sam would be the one to make her happy but I guess no one in Ohio could really be enough for her.

We hadn't spoken much after that night she kissed me and I never brought it up mostly out of the fear she would deny it but lately I feel like maybe I should so that at least she could keep it as a memory.

It was raining and my parents were out late, it was their anniversary and they were always the romantic couple so I stayed at home by myself watching old movies where the guy always gets the girl in the end. I wish that I would have gotten the girl but my life wasn't a movie, if it was i'd definitely want to be Brad Pitt in Mr. and Mrs. Smith though.

My mind was scattered as I lay in my bed debating whether I should answer the five texts Artie had left me. I sighed, Artie was sweet but he didn't understand me at all and I sometimes wished he did.

As I lay there contemplating whether I was brave enough to watch a scary movie alone the doorbell rang. I ran down stairs hesitant to open the door but when I found the courage I finally opened it and Santana stood there in a rain soaked jacket as her bangs stuck to her forehead. She walked past me as if she didn't need to be asked to come in and I felt my body tense.

"Santana, what are you doing here? You're all wet and cold, you can catch hippo thermos." I said unaware of the fact that I meant hypothermia but somehow Santana understood what I meant but stayed silent. "San, what's wrong?" I asked, I was terrified, she was in my house on a friday night covered in rain and she was silent. I began to run scenarios in my head that maybe she was in a car accident or maybe she had a fight with her dad but my thoughts came to a halt when Santana unfolded her arms and looked me deep within my eyes as if she was searching for something.

"I know you're broken too Brittany." She said using my full name indicating the seriousness of the matter. "I see the way you hold Artie's hand but your eyes are always on me. I see how you walk around school with this smile that isn't real and I know that every time I brush you off it hurts… but it doesn't hurt as much as that night I kissed you and I think it's better this way… being apart… because at least you'll only hurt for moments."

My eyes began to water. Here i had thought that I was the one who paid too much attention, that I was the one observing but she had been doing the same. This was the only way Santana knew how to protect me, by taking herself out of the equation because at least I wouldn't have false hope for something she would never really be ready for.

She headed towards the door as if that was a proper explanation for everything that had been happening over the past few months. My fists curled for the first time and I felt all the anger that had built up begin to rush through my veins until I just said it, "Why do you do this Santana, why do you keep pushing me away?" My words were low but audible and they caused her to stop in her tracks.

She turned back quickly to face me, I could see the tears begin to fall from her eyes but still there was a sternness in them. "Because i'm scared Brittany!" She shouted with an eagerness to her tone as if she had been dying to tell someone. I stayed silent. Santana had been scared for a long time, she thought I didn't notice the way she used to wrap herself around the blankets to shield herself from the darkness and had progressed to using her cheerios uniform as protection against the cruel ways of high school. I had always known she was scared but now that it was verbalized I realized that even though Santana was scared she was brave.

She should have known she didn't have to bear the weight of her feelings alone, that although she never said it she was just another victim of love. She refused to accept it and it had been causing her insides to decay. She was scared of being happy again because she knew that one day it would fade just like her mother did.

I reached for her hand that was desperate for mine and held her. Makeup now ran down her eyes as she sobbed into my shoulder and I knew she was broken but I was there and I would piece her back together somehow.


	9. The Tears

My shirt was soaked with her tears and she held me tightly scared to let go for even a moment. I was the only thing keeping her together physically and figuratively.

When her sobbing soon became a hushed sniffle I took the opportunity to wipe the stray tears from her face; she was so fragile. No one had ever seen her this way, no one probably ever would.

She was always trying to have others perceive her as someone who didn't care, someone who was immune to the frustrations of teenage life but she wasn't bullet proof and tonight all the blows that she had taken over the last year became visible and she let me share her pain. No matter what she would tell me I was convinced that this wasn't her burden to bear alone.

She loved me, I know she did despite the fact she had never said those words I knew she meant them otherwise why would she come here? She needed me just as much as I needed her, she craved my touch just like I craved hers. The difference was that Santana caged herself from anything that would give her any enjoyment, real enjoyment anyways. She was scared to feel something real because in a moment it could be gone and she didn't want to feel hurt again she didn't want to be broken.

"I love you San." I said unable to control my own mouth as the words came out without any thought. I figured I would tell her now since i'd never have another opportunity to spill my feelings for her when she didn't have her tough exterior.

"I've always loved you and I…" I didn't even get a chance to say much more when Santana grasped my hands so tightly I felt a slight pain but it was eased within a moment and to my surprise she began to speak even if they were quiet words, "I can't Brittany… I don't know how to love you." Her head sunk down to the floor, she couldn't even look me in the eye and say it. I was crushed but I was still hopeful. She finally looked up at me the tears in her eyes had dried but there was still a sense of brokenness within her.

I felt the tears well up in my eyes as she stood there completely unaware of how much her words meant to me. She couldn't possibly know what it felt like to love someone who kept denying the truth. "You told me to wait so I waited, when Puck went to juvie you told me to kiss you so I kissed you. You cant expect me to feel nothing Santana, you cant expect me to just keep going as if you mean nothing to me because you mean everything to me." My words cracked each time I tried to say something more until I just gave up and let the tears stream from my face expecting them to disappear into my already soaked shirt.

Santana let out a deep sigh as if the whole ordeal was draining her. She didn't want to deal with this and she didn't want to be this vulnerable but by now she had no choice. "You don't want me Britt, I'm no good for you, i've cheated on every boyfriend i've ever had, i'm a complete bitch to everyone, and i'll probably never be honest about the things I feel… you deserve better and I deserve a lot less." I stood there listening to every word as she listed her excuses. She couldn't be more wrong. She cheated on every one of her boyfriends with me, she was never a bitch when I was around, and right now she was being honest about her feelings. Didn't she see that, didn't she see that she was already trying that she was already showing me that she did love me.

I opened my mouth to speak but I was interrupted by the sound of the door opening. My parents arrived home early. They seemed surprised at Santana and I standing in the middle of the living room both of us practically covered in our own tears, "You girls okay?" My dad said walking towards us.

Santana quickly let go of my hand and headed towards the door, "Yeah we're fine Mr. Pierce, we just watched a really sad movie about… you know penguins and stuff." She lied and I felt my heart sink down beneath my feet. She was running away again like she had always done but something was different. Before she left she gave me a look of loss as if she was saying goodbye for the last time.

My Dad came over to me putting an arm around my shoulders, "Well I knew we shouldn't have gotten you March of the Penguins, it's a real tear jerker." He said mostly to comfort me but I knew there wasn't anything he could possible say to heal the wound Santana had just left on my heart. I sighed as I gave a small smile to my parents and headed towards the stairs.

"Wait honey I think you dropped this, it was on the floor." He said handing me a crumbled piece of paper. I took it from his hand and unfolded the creases, it was the valentines day card. I felt my heart break even more.

We had both cried that night. We loved each other but she wasn't ready and I was too eager, at least thats what i've concluded. I decided that loving Santana was the most difficult thing i've ever done and I would continue to love her and fight for her as long as my heart kept beating because love was the only thing that ever mattered to me and it seemed to be the only thing that ever mattered to Santana otherwise she wouldn't have let me seen her that way, broken.


	10. The Mending

Days like these she was an anchor on my heart preventing me from floating into the meaningless routine of school responsibilities. I barely stayed awake in any of my classes. I had stayed up all night mostly crying into my pillow and trying to convince myself that Santana would come through my window with an apology and maybe sweet lady kisses but that never happened.

She wants me to give up, to stop trying to make her admit the things she feels inside because she's scared and I wonder if I should just give in to her, maybe I should just let her win. This was putting a strain on not just her alone but me and I felt worse with each day that passed and not a word between us was shared.

She wants to feel something but she's too scared to want to feel love. I contemplate whether I should tell her it was okay, that we didn't have to say those three words, that friends would be enough for me. I leaned against my locker as Puck passed me by giving me a wink before opening his own locker on the other side.

I glared at him, he was so smug, he thought Santana drooled over him but she didn't, he was just a warm body to her, he was nothing. I continued repeating the things I would tell her in my head but my mind immediately went blank as I saw her down the hall.

Her eyes locked with mine but she turned the other way standing in front of Puck and I stood there opposite them showered in jealousy. She was dangling all my emotions in front of me as if to test me to see if I would finally accept the fact that she was too scared to begin anything with me. I sighed closing my locker, I admitted defeat.

"So where's the white rhino, Puckerman?" Her voice still had the harsh tone as if the delicate girl a couple nights ago had never existed. "Must be feeding time at the zoo." She was cruel taking personal attacks and I knew it was just an act, a way to keep up her bitch reputation but I couldn't help but think that I could make her a better person if she would only let me.

I decided that eaves dropping on a girl you love probably wasn't the healthiest thing so I picked up my books and slowly headed the other way with my eyes glued to the floor trying desperately not to look back at her. Unable to see what was in front of me I ran into Lauren, "Sorry, I didn't see you there." I said politely as I glanced back at Santana and Puck and I knew this would be a repeat of that horrendous valentines week.

Lauren pushed me aside as she made her way towards Puck and Santana and I felt my heart drop. I swallowed hard as I tried to build up the courage to walk away but failed.

Santana turned around to face the girl who was about twice her size but there was no fear in her dark brown eyes almost as if she had expected this. "Well look who it is, poplin fresh." She said in that same snappy tone that was constantly getting her into trouble and I could feel the pain that would ensue.

Lauren stared down at her, her hands curled into fists already, "Do you really want me to kick your ass again in front of the whole school Dora the explorer?" Santana didn't even flinch at the threat, she stood there chest out and eyes stern. I already knew she wanted to feel it, to feel that pain of a fist coming down on her face. I was hoping she would just walk away but Santana would never do that. I saw her step closer to Lauren a smirk across her face as she whispered something, "Go ahead, hit me." she had initiated it and I knew I wouldn't be able to bear it again.

I ran towards her, stepping in front of Lauren just as she was about to raise her fist, "Stop!" I shouted louder than I expected as I became a shield over Santana. "Please, stop the violence. If you're going to hit someone hit me." I said in a more hushed tone as my eyes begged Lauren to just leave.

Lauren sighed then began walking the other way with Puck. I exhaled deeply in relief and then turned around to face Santana, ready to endure the lecture about getting in the way of things and such. She stared at me but there was something different in those eyes. She wasn't angry or sad or anything, if I didn't know any better i'd say there was a hint of surprise in them.

"Why did you do that Brittany?" She asked as if she didn't have a clue but I think she just wanted to hear me say it, to hear me say how I didn't want to see her get hurt because I cared about her, because I loved her. I felt like I was being forced to relive the rejection over again and I didn't know if I could bear it, I couldn't tell her, I couldn't say those words knowing she wouldn't reciprocate them. I felt tears swell up in my eyes as my jaw clenched. "You know why." It was all I muttered as I ran down the hall turning into the empty choir room where I sobbed uncontrollably.

I heard the footsteps, I refused to let her see the tears. Wasn't it enough that she had my heart now she wanted to watch it bleed. When my tears stopped falling I looked up at her expecting nothing more than a meaningless apology.

She didn't wear her signature bitch face and her arms weren't crossed which seemed like a good thing, at least I knew she didn't chase after me to argue.

"Britt, why are you running away?" She said and I could have laughed if I wasn't overcome with sadness because how could she ask me why I was running away when she was the who had been running this whole time, running from me, running from her feelings.

Instead I stood there motionless, "Because I cant stand there and just watch you walk away from me Santana. I didn't want to see you get hit in the face by Lauren…I just… I care so much about you it hurts to even be in the same room as you." My tears returned as I spoke as if I could no longer control my words. I kept speaking holding nothing back, "I know you're scared and i'm scared too, of being with you of taking care of you but i've never been scared of loving you, never. Loving you is all I know how to do and you just, you think it's so easy to push those feelings away and forget them but I cant do that, i'm not as strong as you are Santana, I cant lie to myself like that because I love you and i'll probably always love you." I felt like my insides had been spewed out, my heart naked on my sleeve as my eyes grew red and puffy from the excessive crying.

She stepped closer to me but remained silent until she grasped my hands unable to keep her eyes from mine. She was hurting I could see it through her every movement and every breath, she was crushed inside the way I was crushed on the outside. She squeezed my hand and pulled me closer as if the space between us was the cause of my tears. Her lips crashed against mine and I let her do it, I let her kiss me. I had craved it ever since that night in my room even though I knew it would be immediately followed by heartache I savored it.

Her lips were soft, delicate, passionate. Her hand gripped my waist lightly as her frame pushed against mine and I felt as if nothing else mattered but this moment, because that's all it would be after all, just a moment.

She broke the kiss and I felt some of the weight lifted from my aching heart. "I love you Brittany, I've always loved you… I thought that if I denied it long enough it would go away but it just grew stronger and I needed you more… but I was scared, scared of loving someone like you." Tears began to roll down her cheek as she left herself exposed with all her emotions and all of her guards down, "Because you're not like everyone else Brittany, you're kind and sweet and you love me even when I don't deserve it… I wanted you to have someone that could give you the love you needed, someone that would appreciate everything you are. I thought that I deserved the worst and maybe thats why I keep going after Puck because I thought we deserved each other, but I don't want him, I never wanted him, all I want is you." She pulled me closer into a tight hold her tears soaking into my jacket as I stood there holding her.

She was vulnerable, there were no sarcastic remarks no sly look on her face, nothing. She was just Santana, the Santana I had fell in love with at the carnival and I knew she was completely broken apart at this point but she was finally allowing me to mend the pieces, she wasn't running away anymore.

A small smile formed across my face as I held her, the smell of her hair filling my lungs as I felt at ease, "Are you happy San?" I managed to whisper in her ear. She pulled out of my arms to stare at me and she had a sparkle in her eyes that made me feel as if I were floating, "With you… i'll always be happy." She said with that smile, the smile I had been waiting for since we were ten and it was finally there right in front of me.

She was happy, we were happy.


End file.
